I have a jaded intelligence. My words are a vice. I rarely correct verbally the people I meet. I just watch and mentally break them down. I found the less I fit in and accepted groupthink, the more I increased the knowledge of my individual education. I never threw my intelligence in anyone’s face. I just slowly started to accumulate knowledge.
I think my insecurity and vice of knowledge lies somewhere between my flights of fancy in what I attempt to learn. I do not have a degree, I never got straight A’s in school, I never did my homework, and lied my way through what I did accomplish. I never wrote a paper more than eight hours before it was due. I would sit against a hallway wall and skim a book we would discuss in class for ten minutes and find a paragraph or two that stood out and find a way to direct class discussion on my exerts. I have horrible grammar and don’t have the patience to properly learn prepositional phrases and what a consonant is.
I hated my classmates and thought most professors a bore. Some I found lazy and lacking in inspirational ideas to present to me. I felt they constantly just spoon fed us rhetoric from overpriced textbooks and felt them fantasizing about tenure. I did have several teachers in my life that did care about knowledge, originality, and devotion. They have made the most difference to me. These educators always seemed to be fighting against the system, and that is what I liked about them the most.
I do love the written word. I hide, or can now say I used to hide my depth of what I knew, know, and now am attempting to understand about myself, my history, and the society surrounding me.
I am ultimately lazy, unmotivated, unpopular, accepting, dismissive, and driven. I shut down easy when angered and compartmentalize my fears, grief, anger, passions, and daily routines. I chase women. It is a hard instilled tradition. I dive deep into mole skin notebooks fresh after having them and breath deep of their passionate sexuality and hold that taste deep in my mind.
I can find passion in my life and dismiss it just as easily. Like a child on Christmas morning that finds a better toy, I can move onto better intellectual, physical, and mental pursuits quickly and un-apologetically.
I have a fear that when I find what I want in this life I won’t recognize it. I fear that I will not be strong enough, smart enough, sexy enough, and supportive enough to fill the gaps in my soul. I strive in these pages to find the power, strength, and ability in me.